This post has been a long time in the making. And now there is an explosion of conversation around this, at least in the circles I frequent, I felt the pull to sit down and write about my experience (so far). Looking back, I know that I started perimenopause in my late 30's, by my early 40's I was well in, yet when I mentioned it to my GP she quickly denied this could be possible. Where am I now? I get the sense I am through the worst of it, yet there are still many days when I have thoughts like 'I won't survive this' and 'menopause is killing me'. Sounds extreme right? But really, that's how I am experiencing the change. It is true, I won't survive this, because already the girl I once was is no longer, and yes, menopause is killing me, I literally feel like mush inside, like everything is dissolving, disintegrating into one big mushy soup and fuck me, it's uncomfortable, painful, sorrowful, angry, confused and scared, I no longer identify with the identity I spent years creating. I don't know who I am or who I will be but I do get a sense of her, just momentary glimpses.
I have chosen not to take HRT. I am choosing to fully and consciously experience this rite of passage. I missed out on others. I am choosing to experience this one drug free. I have taken so many mind, body, and mood-altering substances in my life I want to do this differently. Today was a difficult day and I chose something else, give me the fucking HRT, I cannot do this anymore. It's Sunday, the Dr's is closed. I wonder what I will choose tomorrow?
I read in a book that there are 3 stages of menopause, isolation, death and rebirth. I am in death now, with moments of isolation. When I was in the isolation stage I very nearly divorced my husband, the desire to be alone, to hide in a cave, was overwhelming. I often ponder over rebirth; will it be magical? I feel like I definitely deserve a gift after this. Will I become the butterfly? I fucking hope so.
In another book I read about 3 phases in a woman's life, maiden, mother and crone. Apparently, I'm a baby crone now. Sounds crap. Somehow in the stories I was told from early childhood my mind has equated crone with a wrinkled, bent over witchy looking woman - always alone. This is the brainwashing, the conditioning, the programming, ingrained, that this is not something to be aspired to. I hear women today talking about becoming invisible in their crone years like this is a negative when this is exactly how it needs to be, we may wear our cloaks of invisibility, weaving our magic and wisdom into a society that needs it now more than ever. It was always going to be this way, under the radar of the patriarchy, we are weaving our webs, getting stronger by the day, honouring each other's choices, embracing our differences.
The definition of the word crone is 'the crowned one'. Do not let anyone tell you differently. You earned your crown.
People say that menopause isn't talked about. I talk about it all the time. Today a friend asked me 'what is going on in your life?' the answer was one word. It is consuming. It is something everyone needs to know about because it affects everyone. I have been lucky, I have women around me that offer support and guidance, little pearls of wisdom dropped into conversation, information about the practicalities of navigating this transition, fore warned is fore armed. Here are 3 of the most valuable pearls I was given.
1.tinnitus can be menopause
2.flooding (thank fuck someone had told me about this beforehand)
3.consider the possibility that hot sweats are a rewiring of the nervous system. 3a. not all hot sweats are equal, some come with nausea, some with a sense of dread, some with rage, some with grief, some I am able to meet, become and integrate and some I want to crawl out of my own skin.
Honouring you and your journey to your wisdom dear sister.
With love
L'Aura, aged 49, 7 months bleed free.
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