Yesterday I posted about the solstice circle in a public group and someone commented 'this is evil'. Reading the comment caused a jolt in my system. I held my breath momentarily, and following this pause the vibrations in my body ramped up a level or two. I wanted to respond, react, defend. I had questions. . . what is she referring to? Me? Women meeting? The solstice? And then I re read the post that talks about honouring the darkness and I saw what she had seen. I had forgotten about the deep programming that many of us have experienced about the dark, the unseen, I had forgotten about the fear, and myriad of ways we are steered away from exploring the shadow. And here we are again, with the shortest and darkest day approaching, the most beautiful and potent time to bring our awareness inward, into the parts of us that are in darkness. And of course it's a choice but the darkness is there whether we choose to consciously delve in or not. Often what propels us to delve in is 'hitting rock bottom', emotions that are 'too' intense, a devastating life change, a life that is broken to the point of not being sustainable. On the other hand when we are in semi comfort there is no ignition and the choice of self exploration is harder - why upset the apple cart?
I have been working with the shadow for a long time now, it is how I live and until yesterday I had momentarily forgotten that the journey to get here, to 'be comfortable in the mud' did not happen at the flick of a switch, I had to it choose over and over again, to feel, to be present with what is, to say yes to this moment. And of course I dip in and out, like a dance in the fabric of reality.
The very nature of our shadow aspect is that it is hard to see, choosing it is a good place to begin, getting support from someone who has experience in it, having people around you that can see through the layers to what's underneath and are willing to share what they see - and you need to be open to hearing - again it's a dance, choose someone with integrity, someone who first looks within and checks they are not projecting their own darkness onto you. Surround yourself with people who choose consciousness although I've yet to meet someone who is in that state 24/7.
But why? you may ask! Why choose this way?
The moment the choice is made to say yes, the defences can begin to drop, the walls can fall and the doors within can open, padlocks fall away and dungeons are flooded with light from the open windows. We become whole again, not separated or segregated, the parts of ourselves that we have shunned or hidden or denied can be welcomed back because we are no longer resisting feeling, as a result we may feel more like ourself, maybe it will feel familiar, if you meet an inner child in the darkness, you may remember feelings of joy. Old patterns of behaviour will fall away. The tiredness begins to lift, it's exhausting keeping the battens down on the shadows. There's a sense of freedom, no longer are you locking away the shame, it is free to be felt. And you will find that once you are willing to feel the it, the embarrassment, the anger, the uncomfortableness, that after a while it softens, and passes more quickly, it moves through because there is no wall or door for it to become stuck against. This is life changing.
When we tend to the soil, the mud, the uckiness, when we bring our awareness with compassion and love for ourself, to these emotions and feelings, we create fertile ground. A place to plant seeds for a new way, a way that you consciously choose, not the ways you inherited or learned by default, but by clearing the way there is the possibility to hear now, to see now, to get a sense of what it is to be a human being, of your soul's purpose, your heart's desire and life becomes flow.
I am grateful to the woman who commented on my post yesterday. What a beautiful opportunity she has given me. As well as the feelings I describe above I had brief feelings and thoughts around being persecuted, memories of being persecuted, of wanting to hide, that maybe I am evil, that I will never post in public groups again so that I can avoid feeling these feelings (ie making myself small). And so just a reminder that it is not about not feeling, it's not about moulding my life so that I don't have to feel uncomfortable or persecuted it's about fully feeling all of this and using breath and awareness allowing movement and flow. The minute we deny the experience is the moment the energy gets stuck. Keep breathing and moving dear sisters.